I have had a very hard time coming up with a post lately. Mostly because I am in a bad place – this is going to be a long post but I just need to get it all out.
First a weigh-in (post vacation) – 217.6 eeeekkkkk!!!!! After a glorious week of vacation in San Diego, I expected a gain. Vacation was a great reset for me. It was nice to have some time just to pretend that the world does not exist.
First some band discussion…. I am not sure that my body agrees with me having placed a foreign object in it. Ever since I have gotten the band, I have had some sort of abdominal pain. I have always excused it to something else, recovery time, gall bladder surgery, etc. The pain varies sometimes it is just a twitch sometimes it is unbearable. A couple of weeks ago, I went to see my surgeon because I was having severe pain in my port area… I could have sworn that my port had actually dislocated. After a 1cc un-fill and barium swallow, they sent me to the ER thinking that it could be pancreatitis because the band looked good. After blood work and a CT scan there is nothing apparently wrong. However, my port area is still really really hurting! I can’t even touch it. I have an endoscopy scheduled for the 30th just to make sure everything is good. Since having my band placed, I have not been able to do an AB workout and I don’t think this is normal? I love my band and greatly appreciate what it has helped me do but I am concerned.
After coming home from vacation, I realized that there is no way that I can do everything at 100%. I have been trying to balance parenting, work, school, health, etc. The result of this has been not taking care of my health. Prior to having my surgery, the psychologist told me that I would have to put myself first in order to succeed at this…… I have such a hard time doing this but if I am going to lose anymore weight, I am going to have to. This may mean taking a leave from school and at this point, I am ok with that. Working less is not an option at this point.
I CANNOT LET THIS OPPORTUNITY THAT THE BAND HAS GIVEN ME SLIP AWAY!!!! I am worried that I am on the verge of this happening and it scares the shit out of me! Stress eating remains a HUGE problem. I have had no time and have not been planning meals. I located overeaters anonymous in my area and I am going to attend that meeting this week.
My problem is when life gets overwhelming, things in my head start spiraling out of control. Depression and anxiety get take control and I shut down. This is a really big confession for me because the ONLY person that knows this about me is my husband....... I have OCD. It has been a lifelong battle. I am usually ok when but if the stress level gets too high the obsessions I cannot control thinking about the obsessions (people dying, losing my job, gaining weight and so on) once that happens, I lose my control over the compulsions (knocking on wood, hand washing, obsessively praying). This really tests my ability to keep a handle on life. It is hard to explain and I hope no one totally thinks that I am a freak now!!!! I made a commitment to be complexly honest with myself and others. Talking about OCD is a part of that (for me anyway).
I am pushing that reset button again!!! So here were go….. Trying to start my second year of the band best foot forward.
Have a great weekend all!!!! :) :)