Friday, July 13, 2012

Confessions, Admissions and Resetting!

I have had a very hard time coming up with a post lately.  Mostly because I am in a bad place – this is going to be a long post but I just need to get it all out.
First a weigh-in (post vacation) – 217.6 eeeekkkkk!!!!! After a glorious week of vacation in San Diego, I expected a gain.  Vacation was a great reset for me.  It was nice to have some time just to pretend that the world does not exist.  

First some band discussion….  I am not sure that my body agrees with me having placed a foreign object in it.  Ever since I have gotten the band, I have had some sort of abdominal pain.  I have always excused it to something else, recovery time, gall bladder surgery, etc.  The pain varies sometimes it is just a twitch sometimes it is unbearable.  A couple of weeks ago, I went to see my surgeon because I was having severe pain in my port area… I could have sworn that my port had actually dislocated.   After a 1cc un-fill and barium swallow, they sent me to the ER thinking that it could be pancreatitis because the band looked good.  After blood work and a CT scan there is nothing apparently wrong.  However, my port area is still really really hurting!  I can’t even touch it.  I have an endoscopy scheduled for the 30th just to make sure everything is good.  Since having my band placed, I have not been able to do an AB workout and I don’t think this is normal?  I love my band and greatly appreciate what it has helped me do but I am concerned.

After coming home from vacation, I realized that there is no way that I can do everything at 100%.  I have been trying to balance parenting, work, school, health, etc.  The result of this has been not taking care of my health.  Prior to having my surgery, the psychologist told me that I would have to put myself first in order to succeed at this……  I have such a hard time doing this but if I am going to lose anymore weight, I am going to have to.  This may mean taking a leave from school and at this point, I am ok with that.  Working less is not an option at this point. 

I CANNOT LET THIS OPPORTUNITY THAT THE BAND HAS GIVEN ME SLIP AWAY!!!!  I am worried that I am on the verge of this happening and it scares the shit out of me! Stress eating remains a HUGE problem.  I have had no time and have not been planning meals.  I located overeaters anonymous in my area and I am going to attend that meeting this week.  

My problem is when life gets overwhelming, things in my head start spiraling out of control.  Depression and anxiety get take control and I shut down.  This is a really big confession for me because the ONLY person that knows this about me is my husband....... I have OCD.  It has been a lifelong battle. I am usually ok when but if the stress level gets too high the obsessions I cannot control thinking about the obsessions (people dying, losing my job, gaining weight and so on) once that happens, I lose my control over the compulsions (knocking on wood, hand washing, obsessively praying).  This really tests my ability to keep a handle on life.  It is hard to explain and I hope no one totally thinks that I am a freak now!!!!  I made a commitment to be complexly honest with myself and others.  Talking about OCD is a part of that (for me anyway). 

 I am pushing that reset button again!!!  So here were go….. Trying to start my second year of the band best foot forward.

Have a great weekend all!!!! :) :)


  1. I don't think you're a freak. You'll find there are quite a few bloggers who suffer from depression or ocd and it's that compulsive behavior that often led them to overeat in the first place. I hope knowing you're not alone helps in some way.

    As for the abdominal pain, I've suffered from it on and off...once so bad I went to the ER. They did an mri and found irritation around the band, like maybe an infection or something. It happened again about a month ago...both times when I was under a lot of stress. May be something to think about.

    I do think you need to put yourself first. Only by being the healthiest, happiest you will you be the best wife, mom, student, etc. that you can be.


  2. For the love of Elmo, Elizabeth, of course we don't think you're a freak. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You've got my digits, lady, use 'em! :)

  3. First of all I commend you for acknowledging your feelings and blogging about it. That takes a lot to do and I think you can use that strength to get past where you are at right now.

    Mental health issues can be hell. Us women have a lot to juggle in this world.

    Continue to take action and reach out and do what you have to to get out of the place you are at right now.

    Maybe your family dr. or any doctor could benefit you right now?

    Thanks for sharing and being so honest.


  4. Hi Elizabeth, Amy texted me when you were having your port pain. I am sorry you have been going through this. I get twingy pains in my port area as well as below my left rib off and on. Any time I do any AB work I also get very sore. I wonder if it just goes with the territory of having the band, I don't know. I am glad they are looking into yours to make sure absolutely nothing is wrong. Hang is there! Take Care....

  5. I agree with Manda, lots of people have psychological disorders that caused them to gain weight. I know my depression was a huge factor in my mine. And it's nothing to be ashamed of, Elizabeth. Reach out for help when you need it.

    As for the band, I say definitely go have a scan and make sure your tubing or anything isn't infected, that could really hurt you or your band if untreated.

    Do you log your food? If not, I say start that. It's easier than you think, if you have a food scale, access to a smartphone, and a willingness to try. :)

  6. I think it's really brave of you to open up in your blog - I too suffer from mental illness and I've tried to be as honest about it as I can in my blog in order to help anyone going through similar. Good luck with restarting and keep pressing for answers about your pain. xxx

  7. You are not a freak! You are awesome and will keep loosing weight. I too am afraid that my surgery's benefits are up. I feel like im not loosing like I was :(
    <3 Sam

  8. Oh, Elizabeth! I could write the book on depression and anxiety! Email if you want to talk. I am always here!

  9. Elizabeth, I had my band placed on the same day that you did and our weights have always been very close. I have had the same struggles and I am glad you are honest about how hard this is and the weight doesn't just melt off. You have to work at it.